Three Tips for Managing Holiday Madness

The winter holidays begin earlier each year. Though the days are growing shorter and colder and the economy is still in a slump, preparations for the “big” winter holidays are already being promoted by retailers everywhere. The whirlwind begins. Partying, shopping, eating, and visiting families, all take an emotional toll even as they allege good times.

Many animals know to hibernate during the winter months, but we rev up the action when we should be slowing down. You can protect yourself from getting physically and emotionally stressed out with by following these simple steps:

1. Learn to say no. It’s not mandatory to do everything, see everyone, and eat it all.
2. If you’re experiencing the anniversary of a loss in November or December, give yourself permission to grieve.
3. Try going a week without the newspaper or television. A vacation from advertising can make a big difference in how you feel.

But if, for whatever reason, the season gets you down…don’t be afraid to see a professional. Help is always available. If I can’t help I’ll do my best to provide qualified referrals.

It’s Only a Car

On Tuesday, October 13, old mother nature had a crying jag like nothing we’ve seen in many a moon. Rain fell from the sky in sheets and relentless wind gusts blew seemingly from every direction. I was carefully driving home from a teaching assignment and just as I  approached an intersection the driver coming from the opposite direction turned left into the oncoming traffic…which was me! With less than twenty feet between us I watched the inevitable occur in an almost calm state.

My car’s front end crumpled like a used tissue. No longer driveable, it was towed to the body shop where it was later designated “totaled.”

Three days later, I drove a little rental car down to the yard to retrieve my things from my badly damaged vehicle. So many things had accumulated in the past eight years: three dog leashes, countless maps, earthquake food that one would have to be quite desperate to consume, CDs, and other random items. I sat in my Santa Fe, felt the seats, looked in the mirrors for the last time. Though I felt rather foolish, I thanked the car for serving so well over the years. I refrained from giving it a hug, and sadly drove away looking back in the rear view mirror until the car was no longer in view.

I still have one key. Don’t really know why. I guess I’ll discard it soon. But not yet. I hadn’t intended to end my relationship with my Santa Fe so soon. I thought we had some years ahead of us. As with any loss, I know I’ll get past this one. But it is real. And I am sad.

Days of Remembrance

Fall is the time of harvest. We pick the fruits of summer, leaves turn and brittle and fall from the trees and the days begin to darken as we move towards winter. Halloween, Samhain, All Saints Day, All Souls Day, Los Dias de los Muertos are all celebrated between October 31 and November 2. It is said to be the time when the veil that divides the worlds is thin and spirits walk. This belief prompted the ghost and goblin costumes children wear to trick or treat, and the graveyard installations replete with skeletons and coffins that transform neighborhoods into mock cemeteries.

But a more meaningful way to align with the season is by tuning in to the the deeper meanings. The celebration of Los Dias de los Muertos (November 1st and 2nd)  bring the arts, family and community together to remember and honor ancestors.  One of the easily transferable elements of this wonderful tradition is altar-making.

The word altar comes from the Latin altare, a high place. Common places for a home  altar would be a table, shelf, or mantel. Making an altar is a way to reconnect. You can make an altar for just one person or several. Decorate your altar with flowers, fruits, candles, photographs, items that belonged to your loved ones, or offerings of things they enjoyed.

A way to remember

I have permanent altars for both of my parents. The altar for my dad is on a shelf in my office, not ten feet from where I sit. I love looking up and seeing the photos of my dad and things that were his–a shaving brush, a small book. They keep me connected. The altar is also a place where I can light a candle for his birthday, death day, or day of remembrance.

When Those “Bad Days” Just Keep Coming

What do beer, television, drugs, sleep and possibly Facebook, have in common? Give up? They are all used to “treat” depression.

Everyone gets depressed from time to time. Some depression is event-related and short lived. Other times it’s a response to an ongoing situation where you might feel helpless, hopeless or lost. And some people experience chronic depression due to a chemical imbalance.

Most of us move toward pleasure and away from pain. So when depression plops itself down in your life, chances are you’re going to want to try to feel better. The easy way is to go to one of the handy items listed above. The thing is, those are distractions not cures. They don’t address the cause, and they certainly are not restorative.

As a therapist, I can say that if you want to change your state therapy might be your best bet. Case in point: a woman recently complained of all the problems she was experiencing despite her best efforts. Stepping back and looking at the big picture, her life was not bad; she was just focusing on the negative. With two hypnosis sessions she was able to change her point of view and her feelings about her life. She went from depressed and angry to upbeat and hopeful. And there were no side effects!

So if you or someone you know is experiencing the blues, there are real solutions.

Best Way to “Grow Old”

Do you think of yourself as “old?” There’s no moment when a person becomes old, but we’re all aging. One-fifth of the population will be 65 and older by 2030, thinking about the future needs to start now.

This is not just a consideration for baby boomers like me, but for younger people who have parents that are becoming “elderly.”

The National Endowment for the Arts (NEA) ran a study to evaluate the effects of participating in cultural programs on older adults’ mental health, general health, overall functioning, and sense of well-being. The programs involved a range of art disciplines, including painting, pottery, dance, music, poetry, and drama, and oral histories.

Working with clay

In statistically significant findings, the study demonstrated that arts participants had: better health, fewer doctor visits, less medication usage, and increased activities and social engagement despite having chronic illnesses and some disability.

Findings from another study showed that productive aging is not related to age, ethnicity, level of education, marital status, or income, but rather to: greater participation in activities such as those above, having more close friends, visiting with family, spending time reading and listening to the radio.

Don’t believe myths about aging, your own or in people you care about. There are many options for aging well. Contact me to learn about the opportunities to best fit your needs.

(For more information, read: Creativity Matters: Arts and Aging in Americaby Gay Hanna and Susan Perlstein www.AmericansfortheArts.org)

A Pocketful of Inspiration

Life is not always what you wish it to be. The daily news may stun you with depressing stories about less than pleasant local, national and global happenings. That added to what might be your own trials and misfortunes can cast a shadow on a bright summer’s day. In order to maintain a positive outlook you need to have time to find personal balance. Depending on who you are this might mean focusing on:

made from an Altoids tin

• Meditation – reflection,
• Healing – finding balance,
• Memorial – remembrance
• Thanksgiving – gratitude
• Prayer – connection to the gods and supplication
• Devotion – worship

However, if you’re like most people, finding time for yourself may be just one more challenge. But let’s just say you could take a few moments any time in the day to feed your spirit. Would you consider investing an hour to give you those moments? If so, consider making a pocket shrine–a matchbox or small tin that holds something dear to you. If you have an artistic bent you can decorate the container, personalizing it inside and out. If you aren’t craft-oriented you can still fill the container with photos, quotes, a candle or other items that can inspire and center you during the day.

A personalized piece

What Color is that Feeling?

feeling blue

As a therapist I’ve learned that people often are out of touch with their feelings. There may be times when something devastating has occurred and you felt stunned by the experience. As time passed you may have known you felt bad, but were not able to express anything about that feeling or deal with it effectively.

As an expressive arts therapist I have solutions for that inability to access and express feelings. The solutions are in the arts. Choosing grief as the example, I might ask you to imagine the grief was living somewhere in your body. Once you located the feeling I’d have you imagine it had a color, a shape, a texture, a density, a sound, or even a voice.

If we were working with visual arts I’d ask you to draw the grief.  When the drawing was complete, I’d ask, “If the grief had a voice, what would it say? What is it asking for?”

You can use the same exercise for a range of difficult feelings. It’s also nice to keep the drawings and writings in a folder or journal. Revisiting and reworking is another valuable tool.

More expressive therapy tips to come. If you’re interested in learning more about expressive arts therapy, contact me.

Is Moping Good for the Soul?

Tired of moping, Spirit took a sleep aid

My dog gets itchy in the summer. Being a dog he either licks or scratches way more than is wise. The only thing that seems to check his behavior is covering the itchy spot so he can’t reach it. So now my toy poodle is wearing his shih tzu girlfriend’s lilac tee shirt. As a result he’s both itchy and ill at ease and he’s resorted to moping.

Perhaps he feels emasculated in the little shirt tied in a knot at his back. I don’t know what he’s thinking, but I do know that he’s only eating special treats, lagging behind on his walks, and refusing to play ball.

The thing is, this remind me so much of how people act. I’m sure you’ve been in a position where things didn’t go your way. Maybe you were disappointed by someone or something, or you experienced a tangible loss of some sort. How did you deal with it? Was moping involved?

I remember one friend who called it “sitting on the pity pot.” It’s okay to feel sad sometimes. Sadness and grief are warranted by some experiences. The question is do you want to hang out there indefinitely or acknowledge your feelings and then move into a better place.

Target Marketing

I attended a workshop at the Referral Institute a few days ago. We focused on “target marketing.” Everyone can imagine the kind of  target used for darts or archery, but when it comes to imagining a target market for business, imagination seems to break down. That circle with the concentric rings is abstract rather than actual.

Just thinking about the therapy side of my work I can easily make a good size list of all the types of people and all the types of issues I can effectively work with. I’m sure this has a value, but not for marketing. In a mental review of  some of the conversations I’ve had at business mixers, I realize that explaining what I do in such a way so that another person really gets it may take more than a few minutes of conversation.  If someone is a colleague rather than a past client, the limited understanding that individual has of my work will also limit their ability to refer me to others.

Knowing this was valuable, but narrowing the focus was actually scary. There were a dozen what if’s running through my head as I let go of each generality. At the end of two hours I finally came up with a target market. I may still tweak it a bit, (I’m sure that voice of doubt will not rest so easily) but here it is: “My target market is Lamorinda women, age 50+ who are dealing with aging and loss issues and ready to explore the process of  healing.”

Fearing the Best

The house next door has been unoccupied for over two years. Several months ago a woman bought it…to fix up and rent out.  Two months of a complete makeover on a house that had been abandoned by the previous owners before they actually moved out really changed the energy. It was suddenly an attractive little house with a nice garden. Then we heard it was up for rent.

Uh oh. I began to fear the worst. I mean I even had nightmares about my house exploding in a ball of flame and me having to grab my dog and laptop and run for our lives.

Then I thought about it, why do we fear the worst? Is it possible to fear the best? Sometimes that does happen. People fear success for many reasons. Can they handle it? What else would be expected of them if they were successful? The status quo is so familiar, why make a change?

I have new neighbors now. They seem like very nice people. I decided not to fear either the best or the worst. Instead, I’ll just be a great neighbor and look forward to the same.