The Dark Days of Winter

The winter solstice on December 21st was the turn around point for day and night. Out of the longest night of the year the sun emerged to grow daily for the next six months. The 21st was also the first day of winter. With the cold and frequent rains it’s sometimes difficult to feel the growing sun. Many people crave warmth and this is actually the best time of the year to find it.

More and more people are bringing light to the dark days with elaborate holiday decorations. Driving down the streets I am awed by the beauty of the many colored lights adorning homes and trees. The lights are only a small part of the winter warmth. The time shared with friends and family at holiday dinners and gatherings is a reminder of love that grows and holds us from year to year.  Even the holiday cards, small tokens of affection and remembrance, are heartwarming.

I bask in the light and the warmth.

Please, Oh Please

When you look back at 2009 can you say you got what you wanted from life?  No matter how many wishes you made, hopes you had, or even prayers sent your way, your life may not have coincided with your vision. You can either sit on the pity pot and dwell in disappointment or …

That little dog you see in the photo knows how to get what he wants. He’s perfected his approach. It works for him and it can work for you, with just a few small adjustments.

His strategy: Spirit (the dog) is pretty certain he knows what he wants and is fairly relentless in his pursuit. Adding charm to persistence, he picks likely candidates based on past successes. If he meets with failure, he either tries his strategy elsewhere (with the same enthusiasm) or takes a break and focuses on another activity. When his mission is success, he shows his gratitude.

Your strategy: First answer what, who, where, when, and how. What do you want? Who do you want it from? Where can you find the person/people that can help you? When and how do you carry out your efforts? With a positive attitude and a good plan great plan, keep at it. If you fail, and do not achieve whatever you wanted to have, do or be, your strategy must take a slightly different turn.

Even Spirit may get a bit dejected when his desires are not fulfilled, but his come back time is based on dog years. When you experience a failure three things are necessary.

1. Go ahead and feel bad for awhile.

2. Evaluate what worked and what didn’t and adjust your strategy.

3. Put your new strategy into action.

Failure is another word for lesson. Sometimes it takes many lessons to get the kinds and levels of success you want.

My job is three-fold: I help you deal with the bad feelings and put them into perspective, use objective evaluations to rework your plan, and stick with you as you continue to work it.

Spirit and I are ready to help. Call us.

When Holidays Aren’t “Happy”

The winter holidays are generally times we get together with families and friends. But if a friend or family member is missing from your life you may feel sad more than celebratory.

Whether your loss is due to death, divorce or distance, missing someone you would have spent time with can be difficult. Sometimes it’s the anniversary of a loss that occurred near a holiday that brings the experience of grief back.  There’s no way to predict when the grief of a loss will come or how it will affect you.

My sister and her boyfriend, Frank recently returned from a relaxing vacation in the Caribbean to learn that his father was in hospice. The vacation elation was compromised and conflicted by anxiety. Taking the next flight to his father’s bedside, Frank made it in time to say goodbye.  A small blessing in the big picture.

Sharing the loss with the many family members who’d gathered was an important first step in the grieving process. Each person had many stories and memories to relate.  But this thanksgiving on the heels of a funeral will be different for Frank’s family, and creating a way to spend the day that works for the family may be more valuable than following a tradition.

If you’re grieving for someone or something during the holidays you may need support. Consider finding a group or therapist to help you.

You can also view my videos on Loss, Grief, and Healing at www.youtube.com/sydneymetrick

Three Tips for Managing Holiday Madness

The winter holidays begin earlier each year. Though the days are growing shorter and colder and the economy is still in a slump, preparations for the “big” winter holidays are already being promoted by retailers everywhere. The whirlwind begins. Partying, shopping, eating, and visiting families, all take an emotional toll even as they allege good times.

Many animals know to hibernate during the winter months, but we rev up the action when we should be slowing down. You can protect yourself from getting physically and emotionally stressed out with by following these simple steps:

1. Learn to say no. It’s not mandatory to do everything, see everyone, and eat it all.
2. If you’re experiencing the anniversary of a loss in November or December, give yourself permission to grieve.
3. Try going a week without the newspaper or television. A vacation from advertising can make a big difference in how you feel.

But if, for whatever reason, the season gets you down…don’t be afraid to see a professional. Help is always available. If I can’t help I’ll do my best to provide qualified referrals.

It’s Only a Car

On Tuesday, October 13, old mother nature had a crying jag like nothing we’ve seen in many a moon. Rain fell from the sky in sheets and relentless wind gusts blew seemingly from every direction. I was carefully driving home from a teaching assignment and just as I  approached an intersection the driver coming from the opposite direction turned left into the oncoming traffic…which was me! With less than twenty feet between us I watched the inevitable occur in an almost calm state.

My car’s front end crumpled like a used tissue. No longer driveable, it was towed to the body shop where it was later designated “totaled.”

Three days later, I drove a little rental car down to the yard to retrieve my things from my badly damaged vehicle. So many things had accumulated in the past eight years: three dog leashes, countless maps, earthquake food that one would have to be quite desperate to consume, CDs, and other random items. I sat in my Santa Fe, felt the seats, looked in the mirrors for the last time. Though I felt rather foolish, I thanked the car for serving so well over the years. I refrained from giving it a hug, and sadly drove away looking back in the rear view mirror until the car was no longer in view.

I still have one key. Don’t really know why. I guess I’ll discard it soon. But not yet. I hadn’t intended to end my relationship with my Santa Fe so soon. I thought we had some years ahead of us. As with any loss, I know I’ll get past this one. But it is real. And I am sad.

Days of Remembrance

Fall is the time of harvest. We pick the fruits of summer, leaves turn and brittle and fall from the trees and the days begin to darken as we move towards winter. Halloween, Samhain, All Saints Day, All Souls Day, Los Dias de los Muertos are all celebrated between October 31 and November 2. It is said to be the time when the veil that divides the worlds is thin and spirits walk. This belief prompted the ghost and goblin costumes children wear to trick or treat, and the graveyard installations replete with skeletons and coffins that transform neighborhoods into mock cemeteries.

But a more meaningful way to align with the season is by tuning in to the the deeper meanings. The celebration of Los Dias de los Muertos (November 1st and 2nd)  bring the arts, family and community together to remember and honor ancestors.  One of the easily transferable elements of this wonderful tradition is altar-making.

The word altar comes from the Latin altare, a high place. Common places for a home  altar would be a table, shelf, or mantel. Making an altar is a way to reconnect. You can make an altar for just one person or several. Decorate your altar with flowers, fruits, candles, photographs, items that belonged to your loved ones, or offerings of things they enjoyed.

A way to remember

I have permanent altars for both of my parents. The altar for my dad is on a shelf in my office, not ten feet from where I sit. I love looking up and seeing the photos of my dad and things that were his–a shaving brush, a small book. They keep me connected. The altar is also a place where I can light a candle for his birthday, death day, or day of remembrance.

When Those “Bad Days” Just Keep Coming

What do beer, television, drugs, sleep and possibly Facebook, have in common? Give up? They are all used to “treat” depression.

Everyone gets depressed from time to time. Some depression is event-related and short lived. Other times it’s a response to an ongoing situation where you might feel helpless, hopeless or lost. And some people experience chronic depression due to a chemical imbalance.

Most of us move toward pleasure and away from pain. So when depression plops itself down in your life, chances are you’re going to want to try to feel better. The easy way is to go to one of the handy items listed above. The thing is, those are distractions not cures. They don’t address the cause, and they certainly are not restorative.

As a therapist, I can say that if you want to change your state therapy might be your best bet. Case in point: a woman recently complained of all the problems she was experiencing despite her best efforts. Stepping back and looking at the big picture, her life was not bad; she was just focusing on the negative. With two hypnosis sessions she was able to change her point of view and her feelings about her life. She went from depressed and angry to upbeat and hopeful. And there were no side effects!

So if you or someone you know is experiencing the blues, there are real solutions.

Best Way to “Grow Old”

Do you think of yourself as “old?” There’s no moment when a person becomes old, but we’re all aging. One-fifth of the population will be 65 and older by 2030, thinking about the future needs to start now.

This is not just a consideration for baby boomers like me, but for younger people who have parents that are becoming “elderly.”

The National Endowment for the Arts (NEA) ran a study to evaluate the effects of participating in cultural programs on older adults’ mental health, general health, overall functioning, and sense of well-being. The programs involved a range of art disciplines, including painting, pottery, dance, music, poetry, and drama, and oral histories.

Working with clay

In statistically significant findings, the study demonstrated that arts participants had: better health, fewer doctor visits, less medication usage, and increased activities and social engagement despite having chronic illnesses and some disability.

Findings from another study showed that productive aging is not related to age, ethnicity, level of education, marital status, or income, but rather to: greater participation in activities such as those above, having more close friends, visiting with family, spending time reading and listening to the radio.

Don’t believe myths about aging, your own or in people you care about. There are many options for aging well. Contact me to learn about the opportunities to best fit your needs.

(For more information, read: Creativity Matters: Arts and Aging in Americaby Gay Hanna and Susan Perlstein www.AmericansfortheArts.org)

A Pocketful of Inspiration

Life is not always what you wish it to be. The daily news may stun you with depressing stories about less than pleasant local, national and global happenings. That added to what might be your own trials and misfortunes can cast a shadow on a bright summer’s day. In order to maintain a positive outlook you need to have time to find personal balance. Depending on who you are this might mean focusing on:

made from an Altoids tin

• Meditation – reflection,
• Healing – finding balance,
• Memorial – remembrance
• Thanksgiving – gratitude
• Prayer – connection to the gods and supplication
• Devotion – worship

However, if you’re like most people, finding time for yourself may be just one more challenge. But let’s just say you could take a few moments any time in the day to feed your spirit. Would you consider investing an hour to give you those moments? If so, consider making a pocket shrine–a matchbox or small tin that holds something dear to you. If you have an artistic bent you can decorate the container, personalizing it inside and out. If you aren’t craft-oriented you can still fill the container with photos, quotes, a candle or other items that can inspire and center you during the day.

A personalized piece

What Color is that Feeling?

feeling blue

As a therapist I’ve learned that people often are out of touch with their feelings. There may be times when something devastating has occurred and you felt stunned by the experience. As time passed you may have known you felt bad, but were not able to express anything about that feeling or deal with it effectively.

As an expressive arts therapist I have solutions for that inability to access and express feelings. The solutions are in the arts. Choosing grief as the example, I might ask you to imagine the grief was living somewhere in your body. Once you located the feeling I’d have you imagine it had a color, a shape, a texture, a density, a sound, or even a voice.

If we were working with visual arts I’d ask you to draw the grief.  When the drawing was complete, I’d ask, “If the grief had a voice, what would it say? What is it asking for?”

You can use the same exercise for a range of difficult feelings. It’s also nice to keep the drawings and writings in a folder or journal. Revisiting and reworking is another valuable tool.

More expressive therapy tips to come. If you’re interested in learning more about expressive arts therapy, contact me.